Tuesday, October 28, 2008
Right now....
I just really don't want to be here. I normally like this class, but today I'm just not in the mood to be anywhere but my bed. I feel like I have a fever and the skin on my face burns. The rest of me; however, is freezing. I should have bundled up in another jacket or two.
This fever is probably from getting scratched by Phantom last night. I can deal with it; I just need to sleep off the reaction. Which I haven't had a chance to do yet. I had about an hour of sleep last night, that wasn't very comfortable, considering that my mind was running in about 30 different directions.
I still haven't had much sleep since Saturday. I can't believe I found out like that. I mean I won't kid myself any longer- I knew something had been off for a while, I just didn't want to believe it. I thought of it as my mind running rampant because of all the emotions and everything I was saddle bagging. I should have been more honest with him, but I really don't see how that would have changed anything. He was craving something that I couldn't give him.
As much as I want to blame myself, I know I can't. He made his choice. He didn't have to go through with it... He did. That will never leave my mind. I want to forgive; I want to eventually have that life that we talked about. It's weird how a clear and happy picture can change to something fuzzy and gray in a matter of seconds.
I’m still mad, hurt, relieved, and confused, but most hurt. I told him from the beginning that I can’t stand liars and lying to me would hurt more than anything else. But he still did it. I can still hear his mother’s voice that morning telling me that he’s dishonest and that she hopes that he’s changing with me. I think he was there for a bit, but who knows now…
