Body image is on everyone's mind, but it's something that is constantly in the forefront of mine. Its not like I consciously think about it all the time, more so that people make it a topic to discuss repeatedly around me. I'm plus sized, I know this, and I'm one of the few that can confidently say that I'm fine with it. I've been bigger all my life so there's nothing else I know. I've been told repeatedly that I'd be "so much happier if I lost (blank) pounds." Honestly, I don't think that I would. 

 I've grown very comfortable with my curves over the years. Being bigger growing up was no easy feat, I remember being tormented and teased for my size. I even remember crying myself to sleep on a regular basis. It was harder when I was younger. Any girl just wants to fit in and have friends. Most kids are accepting in general in the start, but at some point they start to tease and do it to hurt. I can still remember every single instance from when I was young.

 My experience might not have been as bad as others, but no matter what it is a trying time for anybody to be constantly ridiculed. As I got older and my peers matured, I got teased less and less. The most recent incident was just about two years ago. She wasn’t meaning to tease; it was a personal attack. I remember being afraid of every message that I got for the next couple of days.

It seems the more time I have, the less I really let myself actually relax and think. There's been so much to think about that I find myself daydreaming more and more so that I don't have to face the reality. I know that when I finally man up, it’s only going to be a struggle. That's never a good thing, because I'll sit there and end up having to face everything at once. I need to learn how to take things in stride instead of pushing it to the back of my mind to be dealt with later.

  A lot of my friends are going to be mad at me for this, but I really want to work things out with Chris. It’s going to take time, but its time that I perceive will be well spent. He makes me happy like no one has ever done before. I can still remember exactly how it feels to hold his hand, how he smiles after a long day of work, and just how to wake him up in the morning so there's a smile on his face.

  I know that I can't jut focus entirely on him and me working out, that's going to take time and effort on his part. I can't sit there the entire time and coach him through it. I won't be the one to validate him as a man. He's got to earn that status himself. I want to be there as a friend, someone he can talk to and feel as if they are there for him to count on. Not as someone who's waiting for him to get his act together.

  I have a life to live between now and the time when he and I might re-visit the thought of a relationship. I want to date, I want to meet people, I don't want to be the person that just sits and waits on that guy. I've been there before, it’s pathetic. There's so much out there to do before I settle down that seriously.

 He really could be the one for me, but I refuse to put my life on hold to figure that out. I can't compromise what I want, how I feel, or who I am as a person to try everything again. At least not this soon.