It seems the more time I have, the less I really let myself actually relax and think. There's been so much to think about that I find myself daydreaming more and more so that I don't have to face the reality. I know that when I finally man up, it’s only going to be a struggle. That's never a good thing, because I'll sit there and end up having to face everything at once. I need to learn how to take things in stride instead of pushing it to the back of my mind to be dealt with later.

  A lot of my friends are going to be mad at me for this, but I really want to work things out with Chris. It’s going to take time, but its time that I perceive will be well spent. He makes me happy like no one has ever done before. I can still remember exactly how it feels to hold his hand, how he smiles after a long day of work, and just how to wake him up in the morning so there's a smile on his face.

  I know that I can't jut focus entirely on him and me working out, that's going to take time and effort on his part. I can't sit there the entire time and coach him through it. I won't be the one to validate him as a man. He's got to earn that status himself. I want to be there as a friend, someone he can talk to and feel as if they are there for him to count on. Not as someone who's waiting for him to get his act together.

  I have a life to live between now and the time when he and I might re-visit the thought of a relationship. I want to date, I want to meet people, I don't want to be the person that just sits and waits on that guy. I've been there before, it’s pathetic. There's so much out there to do before I settle down that seriously.

 He really could be the one for me, but I refuse to put my life on hold to figure that out. I can't compromise what I want, how I feel, or who I am as a person to try everything again. At least not this soon.