Thursday, October 30, 2008
Time slips by..
I just really don't want to be here. I normally like this class, but today I'm just not in the mood to be anywhere but my bed. I feel like I have a fever and the skin on my face burns. The rest of me; however, is freezing. I should have bundled up in another jacket or two.
This fever is probably from getting scratched by Phantom last night. I can deal with it; I just need to sleep off the reaction. Which I haven't had a chance to do yet. I had about an hour of sleep last night, that wasn't very comfortable, considering that my mind was running in about 30 different directions.
I still haven't had much sleep since Saturday. I can't believe I found out like that. I mean I won't kid myself any longer- I knew something had been off for a while, I just didn't want to believe it. I thought of it as my mind running rampant because of all the emotions and everything I was saddle bagging. I should have been more honest with him, but I really don't see how that would have changed anything. He was craving something that I couldn't give him.
As much as I want to blame myself, I know I can't. He made his choice. He didn't have to go through with it... He did. That will never leave my mind. I want to forgive; I want to eventually have that life that we talked about. It's weird how a clear and happy picture can change to something fuzzy and gray in a matter of seconds.
I’m still mad, hurt, relieved, and confused, but most hurt. I told him from the beginning that I can’t stand liars and lying to me would hurt more than anything else. But he still did it. I can still hear his mother’s voice that morning telling me that he’s dishonest and that she hopes that he’s changing with me. I think he was there for a bit, but who knows now…
Amber Heis
English 104.034
Corby Roberson
October 9, 2008
Sitting at the sewing machine it was about four in the morning. Normally I’d be asleep by now, but for lack of funds and just a slight bit of procrastination, I was up working on this dress and leaving in three and a half hours for a three-hour drive. The maroon material in hand was starting to blur in my sight. If I looked up long enough, I could see Kayla in the next room sleeping on what might have been a very comfortable pallet that her mom had made up for us. She was lucky enough to have plenty of knowledge about this trip so her outfit had been ready since this past summer.
I however had not. Well, actually I had about as much knowledge about this trip as could be, considering I had met her and her best friend Allie only a month before. We were heading up to Harveysburg, Ohio for the annual Renaissance Faire. One condition of me going was that I had to be in period garb in accordance with Allie’s approval. She and I had agreed that I would go dressed as a Lady. While we had been working on the pattern the night before we ran into some constructional problems, so after some creative collaboration, she and I had altered the pattern enough that it should work, granted I could get it finished before we left. So far I was attaching the bodice to the skirt, and all was going well. I was hoping that if I got this finished in a timely manor I’d be able to salvage at least an hour of sleep before I had to get up and do the whole hair and make-up routine. As I finished the last couple inches of stitching I couldn’t help but feel the welcoming pull of the pallet on the floor.
I woke up feeling very disorientated, and not quite sure where I had found the blanket that was wrapped around me. Kayla was already up and mostly dressed. I hazily stood up and went to grab my clothes. Shuffling to the bathroom to get dressed, I vaguely heard Kayla’s “Good Morning. ” I slowly got up and jumped in the shower. Fully awake from the warm spray of the shower, I rushed to get dressed. Then it was time for make-up and hair. Kayla and I were both at the mirror attempting to complete the same tasks and having problems because we were bumping into each other. In hindsight, it probably would have been easier if we had switched sides so her right elbow and my left weren’t constantly hitting.
Hair and make-up accomplished, we loaded up and headed over to Allie’s house. I still wasn’t completely dressed up since Allie had the ribbon and such I needed to finish the dress. Once we got into Allie’s house it wasn’t long before every one went into overdrive mode. It suddenly seemed like we were seriously behind schedule. Neither, Allie nor her younger sister, Eva, were ready. Allie was just finishing up when we heard a knock at the door. It was Jon.
Jon was the last member of our little clan. He and Allie had dated up till a short time before and were trying to keep up a decent friendship. Kayla had told me that Jon’s gift was to make you feel like the girlfriend without being it. Jon and I had also talked on the phone a few times before, but this would be the first time we actually met. Needless to say, I was excited to meet him. He didn’t disappoint. Eva was actually the one to introduce us, he caught my eye and as I could tell he was sizing me up, I jumped and hugged him. As I let go I couldn’t help but catch the smile that he quickly masked back up. He was a “hard ass” by reputation. Kayla referred to him as a badass teddy bear on occasion. After I had backed up and flashed him a grin Kayla was the next one to tackle him. He tossed her a bag of chocolate covered coffee beans, and as Allie walked in the room he produced a bag of Dove chocolates. I was kind of hoping there wouldn’t be any more things to just appear. I wasn’t sure where else anything could have been pulled from considering he was dressed in traditional Scottish garb (Well for the time period). Kilt and everything.
As quickly as we could, we loaded up and hit the road. The drive itself wasn’t that entertaining, mostly long and monotonous. Eventually, Kayla and Eva fell asleep in my back seat. I was sitting shotgun threading the ribbon into the bodice of the dress so it would lace up smoothly. A couple of hours later, everyone woke up. We ended up with a Disney CD in the player. I was surprised how well Jon knew the lyrics to every song and how he wasn’t afraid to be goofy and mimic even the motions that went with the songs. There’s something to be said about a man that proudly sings along with Georgette’s song “Perfect” from Oliver and Company. Singing along, isn't quite the right word actually. More like making a performance out of the attention he was receiving. Not to long after we rolled into the Faire singing along to The Sword in the Stone.
The car parked, it was a scramble to get everything together and to head up to the gates. I quickly got changed, while Allie and Jon loaded up on their weaponry. They both were pretty proud of the fact that even though you got piece tied at the door, they still managed to get by with two or three pieces undetected. Once inside it felt like a completely different reality. I was feeling more at home there than I had in quite awhile. For one I’d been in southwestern Indiana for the month and a half prior, where the majority of people sported Indianapolis and Chicago team gear, here there was Cincinnati jerseys, hats, and t-shirts everywhere. Out side of ordinary wear, there were people dressed as gypsies, belly dancers, various Lords and Ladies. Everyone was in his or her Period best! There was even Knight in shining armor, any woman would have been proud to have him fight for her honor that day.
It was so hard to just stay focused. Between vendors yelling out how amazing their products were, the awesome costumes, performers and the merchandise itself it was almost sensory overload! I did my best to keep my eyes focus and my eyes from wandering, but I couldn’t do much to remedy the situation. It was out of my hands. I took to slowly perusing every booth, my eyes being drawn to the shiniest objects. Kayla decided that I had “Squirrel Syndrome.” Anything with the slightest bit of shine or intrigue caught my attention and I couldn’t help but drift toward it.
We made a full loop through the Faire before anyone dared to get out their money, well every one but Jon. He had stealthily walked away undetected and bought all of us girls roses. I was extremely surprised and pleased when he handed me my orange rose. It was the first rose I had ever received.
On our second loop through, everyone spent all of their money. As we checked the time we noticed that the joust would soon be starting. We quickly found our seats. We yelled and cheered on our knight, who of course came away victoriously. We watched the belly dancers, the swordsmen, and even listened to a few songs being performed while we ate. The beef stew served in a bread bowl was my choice for the day.
The Faire started closing not to long after. We piled back into my car with me behind the wheel this time. We headed to my house where we would be spending the night before heading back to school the next evening. Again, Kayla and Eva fell asleep in my backseat. Allie kept me company up front until she eventually fell asleep as well. About two hours later we started the short drive through town up to my house. We headed up the hill to Main St. and everyone but Eva woke up. We pulled into my driveway ten minutes later.
I had warned Jon that my dog, Heisman, wasn’t the biggest fan of males unless they were directly related to me. Being the hard ass, he went up and immediately started playing with my dog. Kayla, Allie, and myself unpacked the car. As we made our last trip out to the car, Jon yelled, “For not liking guys much, your dog sure is-.“ Before he could finish the sentence, Heisman took his shot and Jon dropped to his knees. Allie and I lost it. It didn’t take long before she and I were kneeling on the ground trying to regain our breaths. After a few hours of mingling with my family, playing Apples To Apples, and getting back massages from Jon, we all fell asleep.
The next day, I had a Baby Shower to attend. Allie and I were the first ones up, so while I was getting ready she decided to cook us all breakfast. Allie and I talked and I found out that she was actually pretty uncomfortable with how “chummy” Kayla and Jon had been during the course of the past day. I didn’t understand at first, because according to Kayla, her and Jon had always had that close bond. Allie kept talking and I readily as a friend listened. She had been feeling slightly upset by their closeness even before she had ended the relationship. And now that they were all together again, Jon and Kayla’s constant teasing and flirting were rubbing Allie the wrong way. I took this information with me while I ran my errands for the day.
When I got back later I could immediately tell that things still weren’t any better. It seemed like Allie and I were the only ones who could sense the budding confrontation. Kayla and Jon had apparently taken the long walk into town while I had been gone and Allie wasn’t too happy about it. I handed over the ingredients she had asked me to pick up and let her get to work cooking. I knew that the time she would be spending preparing he famous potato soup would be well needed. Kayla and Jon knew better than to enter a kitchen that Allie was working in, less they be subject to her rebuffing for getting in her way. Also, cooking is one of the best ways for her to clear her mind.
After dinner and loading the car back up a final time, we headed back out on the road. Again I was behind the wheel, but I noticed more than I had in times prior. Kayla had immediately made herself comfortable in the back seat by snuggling up to Jon. Now I was starting to see why Allie had been so uncomfortable. For recently having his heart “broken” by Allie’s decision to end the relationship, he seemed very comfortable settling in next to Kayla. I even, for the first time noticed Eva’s reaction to what had been happening all weekend, she seemed unsure weather or not to say something or to stay quiet.
I took the ramp for the interstate and over the next several minutes maneuvered the various exits heading to Louisville. Somewhere between Florence and Louisville, the tension was broken. “ Are you two secretly dating or something?” Eva had finally made her decision. Immediately Kayla and Jon sat straight up. Kayla replied with a no. “Well then will you stop acting like it and fawning all over each other. I’m sick of it. You’ve been hurting Allie’s and from that you’ve been hurting me all weekend.” The rest of the ride was in silence. I felt an immediate change in the air. Instead of the heavy, foreboding atmosphere, an electrical current of unsaid, and charged emotions filled the car. An immediate headache descended on my temples.
I made it to Louisville with the pounding in my head before I couldn’t drive anymore. I pulled off on the next exit and let Allie drive. The quiet in the car continued along with the energy in the air. Everyone’s emotions were still on edge and it wasn’t helping my head at all. We pulled into Allie’s driveway in what I can only guess was record time.
The distribution of belongings and general unloading of the car was done in silence. Only the occasional “Where do you want this?” was heard. Eva and I headed inside, hoping that her mom had some hot chocolate or coffee ready for us. Kayla came in a few minutes later and headed for the bathroom. I didn’t think much of it at first; I was too busy locating aspirin, since my headache still hadn’t subsided. The next thing I heard was a cold voice yelling “Get the Fuck off my property!” Everything froze.
All Good Things; End In Chaos
Seems like everything these past couple of weeks has had a little black cloud hanging over it. Between being in the hospital last week to starting to file a harassment suit, I feel as if I'm trapped in this world where nothing ever stays up for long.
I'm very happy in my relationship with Chris, you can see it in the way I just mention his name. I've never had someone make me feel so singular. Like, I don't just blend in to a crowd. He likes to take me out. It seems as if he gets a kick out of showing me off. I like that feeling! I've only ever felt like guys were ashamed of their attraction to me before.
I'm not the best looking girl in the world, but damnit I look good! I'm not even saying for my size or for this area. I have a self-confidence that cannot be faked. It's earned. I've been tortured by many but I refuse to be held down. I'm tall; I have curves some girls would kill for. I love my blue eyes and I know my smile can be just as cheesy as it can be charming. I don't mean to sound like I'm full of myself, but sometimes its nice to remind myself how I really am.
But back to the point... Chris has made me feel even better than I could describe. I just want these girls to stop! I'm sick of phone calls, I'm sick of e-mails. I don't care what kind of "proof" you have. I'm happy and I'm not going to risk that feeling on someone trying to tear me down and apart.
I know that she and him once had a good thing. It had to have been good in some aspects; otherwise it wouldn't have progressed to marriage. But I also know that that part of his life went sour. She doesn't need to constantly try and find ways to come between us. It’s childish and not helping her case any. If anything it makes him want less and less to do with her. I can’t say I blame him.
" All Good Things, End In Chaos"
Ok, I have to have that for class, and it just struck me as perfect. I'm writing about my first trip to the Renn Faire. (Yes, I still have it on the brain) Any one, who knows the story, should understand why. Until this year all my trips to Renn have ended in some sort of fight, usually on the drive home. The first still being the most resounding image in my mind. I can still see the looks on everyone’s faces, I can still clearly remember what words were used, and most importantly I remember being thrown into the middle of the aftermath.
For this particular story, I end off my story where Allie is yelling at Jon to "get the fuck off her property." I'm not sure exactly why I decided to end it there, but it works really well. I mean, I know I have to skip around a lot in my story for it to end like that, and defiantly cut out pretty much a whole day of that trip, but it till makes for an effective story. More importantly I can meet the length requirement! XD
Back to those six words I wrote at the top… Besides just being for school, those few words really do seem to say everything. From most of my memories all really good days seem to end in some sort of fight or catastrophe. I honestly can’t remember one occasion that I was really looking forward to ever ending on a happy note. I mean, the day may have ended well, but then someone had to come along and ruin my high.
I don’t know why but just hearing about someone’s bad experience tends to put a damper on almost any occasion for me. I guess part of it is because I tend to make it my personal responsibility to help in whatever way I can. It’s a bad habit. I mean I’m glad that I try, but sometimes I try a little too much and put myself in the middle of a stich that I really had no reason to be brought into in the first place.
This past weekend I took Chris to the Ohio Renaissance Festival. It was his first time there and it seemed like he really enjoyed himself. I'm glad I could share that part of myself with him. I don't know what it is, but I feel at home inside those gates. It's like every person who doesn't quite fit in anywhere else can just belong there. Yes, it's mostly because its a time where chivalry and honor were important, and that's a nice thought, but its also because I can truly be myself there.
I will admit, Kayla was right. Renn is so much more romantic when you bring someone that cares about you along. I got so spoiled this weekend, but I appreciate every gesture. He made me so happy. Not because he was spoiling me, but because he enjoyed himself too. We had fun talking and goofing off. Vendors made perverted jokes we played along. Some comments however did catch me a little off guard, which is really surprising compared to what I’m used to hearing every time I hang out with my friends. I blushed a lot, but it was all in god fun. I wasn’t embarrassed really.
I can't help going without thinking about the last two years that I've attended the festival. Each year was different, but they can't be replaced. I really missed going with my clan. It’s hard to believe I went without them. We’ve had some amazing memories from out trips there; I think my favorite is hearing Allie “insult” the jousters. It’s all done in good humor. Another thing I really missed was going in garb. I found myself comparing what I’ve worn in the past to what I saw people wearing this year. I'm making sure that I do dress up next year. I'll probably go as a lady again. I always get compliments.
I seriously think that this is my favorite month of the year. I love Halloween. It's defiantly my favorite holiday. I love the carefree spirit, all the lore, not to mention dressing up as whomever you'd like to portray for a night. It’s the only day of the year that I feel its ok to pretend to be someone else…well, unless you’re in theatre. (Which I miss terribly.)
I have no idea what I'm going to dress up as this year. Part of me wants to go out and buy a generic costume. I've really never done that before. It would be hard for me to choose, because I would be thinking how I could make it more original the entire time. Another part of me really wants to be creative and make it myself. I’ve done some pretty interesting things myself, usually just by putting clothes that I already had together. When my siblings and I were little we never bought costumes, my grandma always made them, or I’d steal Aunt Becky’s old dance costumes. I probably will end up making it. I love using my crafty side, plus it’s rewarding to know that no one else has a costume quite like yours.
Also, HAPPY BIRTHDAY NICCI! She’ll be the first one of my group (well, excluding Rebe and Schwab... but that's different) to hit the 21-year marker. Katie won’t follow her until December. The rest of us are all youngin’s. I know that she's not really excited about it like most people would be, but still, your birthday is your birthday and you only get one a year.